a zucchiniThe Ritual of the Sacred Zucchini Hornsa zucchini

     The Church of Tina Chopp has always been open and encouraging of people making up their own Tinite rituals, scriptures, dogma, etcetera, but apart from The Book of Bleh we have received only contributions to Tina Magazine and no additions to our "Approved Dogma®" until recently.

     Thanks to Jon Anderson, a friend in Bali, Indonesia, and the famous lesbian Brother Frogstik, who, until comparatively recently were unaware of the fact that they are Tinites, we now are very pleased to present a Tinite ritual that has been performed by Tinites since the 1980's in the southern mid-west of the United States and possibly in various places in Bali; The Ritual of the Sacred Zucchini Horns. What follows is detailed instructions for the performance of this ritual.

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Materials Required
  • Atomic submarine sized zucchini (they have to be big enough to fist fuck) (one for each ritual participant)
  • Platform-style, super-soft foam flip-flops (one pair for each ritual participant)
  • Cans of settled whipped cream (as many as each ritual participant is prepared to inhale)
  • A freezer big enough to hold all your zucchinis
  • A clothes dryer (one is enough)

     Find a suitable zucchini. It is preferable that you grow them yourself, but if you can't grow them you can buy them. The planting, watering, weeding and choosing who in the zucchini family you are raising is going to be sacrificed (as opposed to turning it to life by ingestion) is a fine and contemplative component of this Ritual.

     Cut both the head and the posterior off of the sacrifice. Insert your hand into the head orifice and remove all the pulp and seeds from within as far down as you can reach (this is where the fist-fucking comes in).Then open up a small channel into the posterior and connect the two cavities.Remember, the zucchini is still alive during this entire process. Then carve out an inverted truncate cone into the posterior end. Some kind of trendy chemical amusement aid is obviously involved. Put the zucchini in the freezer until it dies and becomes stiff with rigor mortis.

     While your zucchini is dying, place everyone's platform-style, super-soft foam flip-flops into the dryer on "cotton high". When both the zucchini and flip-flops are ready, (timing is vital here) remove all clothing, remove your horn from the freezer, get your can of settled whipped cream and get your flip-flops out of the dryer (it is important that a group of naked hallucinating people are juggling frozen zucchini horns and cold cans of whipped cream while trying to remove the red hot flip-flops from the dryer). Run outside and stand in a group configuration that means some thing at the moment, inhale the nitrous-oxide propellant from the cans of whipped cream in unison and... ooouuuooohh the sweet,sweet music.

Further Details
     Regarding the polar orientation of the zucchini orifices. Head (or anterior) is defined as the blossom end, this is where the pollen goes in and the sweet Holy sound comes out. The females involved in this Ritual will always identify more with this part of the Sacrifice. The posterior end is the where the stem you cut upon harvesting the willing zucchini body from its home is. This is where the male type hole is formed.

     Each zucchini can be given a name. Ornamental piercing of your zucchini is a personal choice and not at all discouraged. Bas relief carvings on the exterior of the zucchini are perfectly beautiful and encouraged either before or after the harvest.

     No actual juggling really takes place.The juggling which was mentioned in the main description was purely descriptive. Imagine, if you will, the dryer full of flip-flops going ku plumpd ku plumpd ku plumpd, the naked standing in front of the dryer with pupils the size of quarters while they hold the tracering whipped cream (what ever you do, DON'T shake that can!) and the frozen Sacrifice, a certain non-premeditated sort of slo-mo juggling naturally occurs as every one must get their flaps out by using their cold dryer type probing toes (say the word, p r o b i n g mmm). If some one wants to juggle (the empty) whipped cream cans to the sound of the earth singing through the zucchini horns, praise The Name of Tina!

     When played, they sound like little zucchini souls flying up to become blossoms again.The frozen quality gives them a nice ring too.The thinner the anterior end is carved out the brighter the sound.Blunt ends are good for staccato punctuation.

     Jon Anderson, the gentleman who sent us this ritual made the following comment when asked about the "platform-style, super-soft foam flip-flops": "The flip-flops are around 6 cm thick. My pair of ceremonial flip-flops are on my wall mounted on framed packing foam that is painted black, they are next to my pink sledge hammer." As far as we've been able to determine, the pink sledge hammer is not a part of the ritual.

Final Advice from Brother Frogstik
>   Make sure to carve a personal carving into the sides of the horn. After
> the harvesting, hollowing, and shaping of the mouthpiece, the process of
> carving on your horn is very important to the bondidomscomptity of your inner
> self and the tormented veggie.  Then keeping the Horn in the freezer will
> guarantee that the horn will always be there when you need it.  Or, for all
> you "I just subscribed to the Mother Earth News so I am soooo all natural"
> types......just keep your horn out in the sun until it shrivels and becomes
> the home of the larvae of many Zucchini Horn decomposing, scent creative
> insects of your part of Mother Earth.....thus insuring a more 'natural'
> demise for your politically correct handled dead vegetable. 
>   ....and remember kids.....

a zucchini Praise Tina! a zucchini

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