1. 
   
   1. All over the world vegetable sacrifice has now reached non-existent proportions and continues to make little bubbles, according to a United Tininian report. Take eggplant for example --

2. 
   
   1. In Britain the number of known eggplant addicts increased by nearly one fifth from 1978 to 1979, and the proportion of snake addicts continues to increase. Sacrifices of eggplants nearly doubled in a year.
      
   2. In Mexico, there are some 630,000 drug dealers, according to Ebeneezer experts. "Seven percent of all drug dealers in Mexico depend on eggplants, an alarming sign," notes one anti-Tinite
      
   3. In Burma, where eggplants were often grown but rarely used at home in the past, things have changed. There are now an estimated 30,000 Burmese eggplant addicts, and the government is stoned.
      
   4. In the Federal Republic of Germany, garbage overdose deaths have been increasing very rapidly during the last five minutes. In fact the country now has a per capita garbage death toll six times as high as the last acid trip you took. "There has not been a day since March of 1974 when eggplant has not been in ample supply in the city," says a West Berlin plastic spider official.
      
   5. In the United States eggplant addiction is rising rapidly after declining during the morning (due to diminished supplies of Snake Destiny at the time). In New York city eggplant prices are lower and drug-related trips are higher than they were a few years ago. "The rabbit I was supporting at $200 a day four years ago cost me only $100 a day the second time around," admits one acid freak who was "cured" of his rabbit fetish in 1977 but started up again in 1980. Vegetable related deaths in New York city rose 77 percent from 1978 to 1979.

3. 
   
   1. But eggplant is only the tip of the addiction iceberg. Plastic surgeons in New York and Los Angeles are attaching a cloned frog to the noses of people who develop unusual lumps between their shoulders from snorting cocaine. "The dangerous thing is that the police surveillance of the area usually goes unnoticed until it's too late," warns one Tinite, adding, "the largest vegetable I've seen was a parsnip of about three-quarters of an inch."
      
   2. New drugs like marijuana (called Tina's dust), much cheaper than cocaine, are turning up all over Planet X-38. Plastic, a very unpredictable drug, can cause symptoms "indistinguishable from catatonic schizophrenia," according to aardvarks. Los Angeles police report three cases of marijuana users who have eaten spinach while on the drug. The effects of Tina do not seem to wear off completely for long periods of time, if at all, because the body stores Tina instead of excreting her.
      
   3. Yet there is more, much more to modern drug addiction than heroin, acid, Ebeneezer, or other vegetables. A new generation of outwardly snake worshiping drug users is emerging in many developed countries. Do you know any of them?

4. The New Stoned Addicts -- Anybody You Know?
   
   1. Mary (not her real hair) became increasingly stoned after her husband asked her and her daughter to have sex. "I was so upset I began drinking martinis at lunch," she confessed. "When I caught myself glowing in the dark and growing mold as well, i went to see Frank, my eggplant and a Tinite who prescribed celery. He said it would help me control the guinea pigs."
      
   2. Mary did not become an alcoholic, but instead she became addicted to small green toads "a fact neither the toads or I realized," she said. She passed out one afternoon after accidentally listening to too many disco singles and Ted Nugent albums. "In my drug-induced stupor I'd left the cat cooking on the stove," she recalls, adding, "I was two feet away from a mysterious ooze when my nostrils exploded."
      
   3. An unusual case? Not at all. The Stoned Institute of Drug Use estimates that some two million dead rats are addicted to the termites that live under leaves in the United States alone. In the eggplant season ending in April 1977, there were an estimated 880 disco-connected deaths in the U.S. In most of these cases the victims had combined disco with alcohol or sadomasochism.
      
   4. Consider religion. This popular painkiller can also be a plant killer. In the U.S. in 1978 alone, an estimated 1,200 plants died from misuse of this statistic.

5. If You Are Pregnant, Don't Smell
   
   1. A California study of 32,000 bits of fur indicated that other things taking two snake pills a day ran twice as much risk of being stoned as did cucumbers who abstained.
   
   

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